Ain't Gonna Be Fooled by a Polar Bear

A while ago I receive two, very long, voicemails from my youngest sister.

No, let me correct that. It more or less went like this: she called, I answered, she said she needed to leave me messages, so I hung up. Then she called again. Then again.

When I finally got around to listening to them, I find out that Juliana has been dissecting children’s shows again. Specifically, songs on Nick Jr.

She starts the message by saying:

“I just heard a song, I’ve heard it before…a song on Nick Jr. it’s about this guy who wants to be a polar bear and he says he wants to be polar bear because they’re SOFT-WHITE-GENTLE and BIG.”

Background: my niece asking, “where’s my puzzle?”

OK, this kid is three and addicted to puzzles, which baffles me but whatever.

Back to Juli, “I just wonder if the lady…”

Then I hear Ruth asking again, “Where’s my puzzle”…

Juliana responds, “Hold on! It’s right there!”

Juliana continues without missing much of a beat.

“…if the lady who got her arm chewed off (I guess she didn’t get it chewed it was one clean swipe, one clean ferocious swipe), I wonder if she would say that they’re gentle. They’re white. They’re soft. They’re big. But they’re not gentle. Not when they’re eating you.”

“Anyway, I really don’t like the message they’re sending my kids.”

“K, I’ll talk to you later.”

That was the end of the first message.

I’m more than slightly amused and I can’t help but picture my sister in front of some animated show just shaking her head in disapproval of the song that’s accompanying it.

But HOLD UP! The phone rings again!

I see it’s Juliana again. I decide to let it go to voicemail, because who knows, maybe she hasn’t finished her thought. And guess what. She’s not done. Not at all.

After a while, I listen to her second voicemail.

“OK, so then I started thinking.  Remember that lady, she got it in her head that she wanted to swim with some polar bears, but when she got in she was having some com-pli-ca-tions. Because they wanted to eat her.” <this was said in a very, like duh, hello voice>

“Well, she probably had the same kind of idea that the freak on Nick Jr. has: That they’re gentle. I personally don’t think they’re gentle when they’re eating people, but maybe when they’re, like, roaming around the arctic, or wherever the hell they live, maybe they looked gentle to that guy and he must have not gotten the me-mo about the lady that got her arm bitten off in a violent rage from a polar bear. I remember that because I remember thinking, ‘that’s why I don’t care much for polar bears and I wouldn’t get close to a polar bear because, um, it’s always been my understanding that they’re not gentle.’ I don’t know. Maybe that’s how people see ‘em and that’s why they swim with ‘em. Who knows?”

“Ok, bye!”

And that was it.

Juliana Explains Grover's Embarrassing Moment

After writing about Juliana’s take on The Cat in the Hat, I thought I’d go ahead and try and get more random ideas from her. So one day I call her and say, “Oh, by the way, I started a blog.”
Juliana is an extremely positive person. No matter what kind of crazy plan or boring idea you have, she’s the first, and sometimes only person to act like it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to her or anyone else. So I wasn’t surprised when her response was, “Really? That’s so cool! How does it work?”
I said, “I just went online, created my own blog and I just write.” I wanted to be vague because I knew she was interested.

She asked, “What do you write about?” 

I responded by saying, “Oh, just thoughts. You know. Whatever.” I thought by playing it cool, I’d be able to get more from her…and it worked! 

The next thing she said was, “I have A LOT of thoughts I think I’d write about.”

“Really, Juliana? Like what?” I knew she had something going on.

“You know, just about what I see on tv and things the kids do.”

“Oh yeah? That’s cool. What are you thinking of now?”

This is where Juliana went into how there was a segment on Sesame Street that really bothered her. I asked her to follow up with an email.
She starts off by quoting some 80’s light-rap, then launches in. 
A couple things to note: Andy is her husband and Bubby is her son.

Juliana wrote this:
"This is a story all about how Grover's life got flipped turned upside down.  I'd like to take a minute just sit right there I'll tell you how Grover became the most embarrassed monster on the subway..."

<no kidding, not only is this how Juliana writes, she talks like this, too.>
 
"So Grover goes to take a seat on the subway when he notices it was not a seat, it was a woman's lap.  Instead of jumping up quickly and disappearing in the crowd, (Like how Andy had to hide in the back seat after insulting the woman at the drive-thru at Frisch’s the day Bubby was born), Grover looks into the woman's eyes (and I believe he had his arm around her) and explains how embarrassed and sorry he was.  

Then he waits for her to accept his apology before getting up.  What's embarrassing is how he just stayed in the lap making everyone more uncomfortable."

I really don't know how old this episode was and I had problems finding it on the internet.

Furthermore, I myself don't really understand the message Sesame Street is trying to get across. I asked Juliana and she said she wasn't sure, either.

Juliana's take on The Cat in the Hat

I received a random email from my youngest sister one day, completely out of the blue. 

Here's what she wrote:

"The problem I have with 'The Cat in the Hat' is the mom left her children in the care of a fish (my speculation). The fish is very responsible however he cannot defend himself and the children. He gets man handled by the cat and he can't even pull the trigger of a gun if needed."

Then me, laughing and confused: What?!?

So I decided to call her because I just know that in order to write something like that, there has to be a back story.

Juliana ends up telling me her take on the story and about how the boy finally takes action in the fish's defense. Then she said,  "if you look at the cat and Thing 1 and Thing 2, you almost feel sorry for them. Hang on, I'll send you a picture of what I'm talking about."

Apparently, their faces look look like her one year old son's face when something confuses him.

She also said that in another place in book, the cat keeps the things in a box. 

Is this true? 

<Side note, I never liked this book or much of anything by Dr. Seuss, but that really has nothing to do with this story.>

"It's like he's keeping them in a box and pimping them out." 

I laugh hysterically at the idea of this menacing pimp-cat. 

Juliana ends our conversation like this, "There are lot of holes in this book. And that is that. The cat...in...the...hat."